Good Grief

Good Grief

Grief. I am not an expert, but truthfully no one is an expert on that because it is that complicated. Like honestly the smartest people on this earth do not and will never understand it. I have been through it a few times, seen it a few as well, and I truly do not understand it still because I am still fighting with it at times. Let me just try to explain it, so maybe this will help you or help a friend of yours. Just to be clear, you will not have the feeling of what it is like, but hopefully you will understand just a touch more on what it is like. 

So, the term "broken heart," is in fact literal. You will feel this pressure on your chest as if your heart is literally tearing as the days go on. However, as the days go on you have to keep pushing forward knowing that your heart is slowly going to mend back together. It is so hard to think that it will feel better someday. There are many different theories on grief and stages. Some include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and/or acceptance. So, you are probably thinking well there is your explanation and that is exactly what it is. HAHA I wish it were that easy to explain.

Grief and losing a loved one is literally a, "you do not understand the feeling until it happens to you." I would hate for anyone to be able to understand it truthfully because then that means they are feeling similar pains and hard, harsh feelings. However, the tricky part is that some people do not feel some of them. Like I can tell you, I have felt all of them. And to make things more complicated it is not in the same order and then you might go back to a stage and then back to another and than back to that stage. It is quite literally a rollercoaster of emotions. 

To this day, I find myself mad at times. Like my dad was a good good man, why him and the way it happened is also so frustrating because such a freak freak accident. I live with my mom still and see how lonely she is and that crushes me. I look at our ranch and farm ground, his way of living and that wrecks my heart too. I see that things are not the same at all anymore there because he was that good to be quite honest. He took over for his father who was so good and wow did my grandpa teach his son so well. I miss a lot of things about that. It is not just him I miss, but the lifestyle I was getting to live. As there were only girls as daughters, we still got to go along and work along side of him. Honestly, sometimes when it was fixing a pickup or combine or anything we literally did not know how to do, he wanted us there with him. My favorite of all was helping him with the cattle because honestly I love that kind of labor. But, that is not the same and I do not get to do any of that anymore. Pairing out to summer pasture, sorting, you name it, I miss it. So, watching and not doing anything because my dad, my hero is not there to push me, us, my mom, my sisters, is so so hard. It is definitely the things that used to be sometimes that hurts, but then that just makes you think of that person more and makes you have that feeling from day one all over again. 

I know this is also going to sound silly to some, but little objects hurt too. For example, seeing Lipton Green Tea gives me the feeling of a broken heart again for just a little. Weird...I know, but that is something he loved and never even drank them all the way but left empty bottles, half empty bottles everywhere. I miss seeing those laying around in the shop or in the vet shack. Another example for myself is I hate ditches. Anytime seeing one, or talking about them, I get that feeling of sadness. If you know the story of my dad's passing than you know exactly why ditches are a hate for me. It could also be something like you doing laundry and it is laying around drying out and you just do not want to move it because when they were here it was sitting there. If you have ever or do watch the movie "A Man Called Otto," he will not move a lot of his wife's stuff. Like her coat siting in the entry. And that is exactly why. It is just a feeling of that is where that was when she was still alive. Might sound kind of psycho to some people, but my fiancé who also has a deep loss understands completely and does the same things. 

Five years. Almost five years since my dad passed away. And yes, I still go through the I cannot believe that he is gone, or why God, or angry to see him go and other hateful, rude people still here. Those feelings have never gone away fully. They always sneak up on ya, like when we brand, I do not have fun like it used to be. It is almost more so a drag to be honest. One person is missing and it feels wrong. I miss him, I miss him so so much. I know I will forever and until the day I die and get to join him in peace (however, if you know my dad, I'm sure he is not purely that peaceful, even in Heaven.) I think the purpose of my grief experiences and surviving those, is to help others. I love to help others. However, I know deep down, the only thing you really could do to make them 100% themselves again, is to bring their loved one back. But, that is not possible and we shouldn't want that for our loved one. They are so happy, peaceful, and purely perfect. The anniversary coming up, the pain is more severe than the exact day of the incident honestly. I am not necessarily an emotional person, but you can bet this time of year when June is coming, I feel just sad and I finally realized why as it has occurred for the past few years. But, I so bad want to change that and not feel or act like that. The weather and feeling of summer starting, the rainy nights, are so dragging and create that horrible flashback. 

We are still human on this earth so we hurt and honestly are jealous of their peace. We should be happy for them because we love them still and so much. I wish that is how it worked. But, it does get better. But time does not heal all wounds. I would consider it sewing them back together and sometimes the stiches get torn a little, but because we have an awesome God who loves us, He always mends them back together. You will never be the same, but you will be better because you understand how precious life and your people are to you. Love everyone you know hard...please.  

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